I am bugged by people telling me I am not a Christian. Or that because I follow a living prophet, that I am not following the bible. And especially by those who claim to be Christians persecuting me because of my different beliefs. I often feel like Gandhi: "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." Not that I am a good Christian, myself, which fact bugs me just as much.
I am annoyed at claims that using "Me" as a subject has become acceptable in speech. "Me" is an object. It is always an object. I have proven that I will argue even with one of my best friends about this to the point of rudeness. Yes, I always use "I" as the subject of my sentences. No, I am not some expert at a trivial point of academia; I simply speak correctly. And I expect everyone to meet my standards. You don't have to use subjunctive or speculative conditional forms of verbs correctly (were I to require this, it would require that I go without friends) but for the love of Noam Chomsky, use pronouns correctly!
And my latest peeve. Unless you are a theologian discussing cosmic forces, never use this sentence: "Everything will work out the way it's supposed to." In the exception I mentioned, I find this sentence acceptable, because I believe that Good will triumph over Evil on the grand scheme. However, for anyone who believes in free will to assert this on anything but a cosmic level is asinine. There is either free will or a perfectly controlled fate with scripted endings. Not both. I am perfectly able to screw up royally, thank you. To say that everything works out the way it is meant to, means that all the pain and evil inflicted on others was supposed to happen. And it wasn't. It is part of God's plan only insofar that man's agency is part of his plan, but the actual painful consequences of man's evil use of agency is not predetermined by God. That sentence is an adage meant to comfort those who don't want to worry about potential consequences.
Friday, March 25, 2011
February in Review
I know. I am posting my February review at the end of March. That is a reflection on March, not February.
To start, I did immensely better in February than January when it came to watching T.V. I did this by instigating one little change. I blocked Netflix. I could still watch Hulu, I could watch DVDs and I could watch Netflix with Kevin on his computer. But, I could not watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer after work. I watched an average of 2 hours of T.V. a week. Including movies.
I managed to keep my scripture reading habit, missing only 4 days in the month of February. I did not remember to write in my journal even once, but I blogged the same amount as in January. I also fully dedicated two Wednesday evenings to writing, free of distractions. I even did half of my visiting teaching. I am terrible at visiting teaching.
Fitness was my focus for the month, and I met half of my monthly workout goals. I worked out three times with Audrei and 4 times after work by myself. I can now touch my toes (after lots of stretching) and I made it through half of one workout from the 30-Day Shred before I gave up and decided to read something instead.
What saved my grade, given my less than ideal dedication to fitness, was my project for the month. I bought 44 #10 cans and canned half of my food storage. It was a time-intensive project and resulted in much spilled powdered milk. But I got it done.
In the end, I broke even with last month, barely squeaking by with a B-.
To start, I did immensely better in February than January when it came to watching T.V. I did this by instigating one little change. I blocked Netflix. I could still watch Hulu, I could watch DVDs and I could watch Netflix with Kevin on his computer. But, I could not watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer after work. I watched an average of 2 hours of T.V. a week. Including movies.
I managed to keep my scripture reading habit, missing only 4 days in the month of February. I did not remember to write in my journal even once, but I blogged the same amount as in January. I also fully dedicated two Wednesday evenings to writing, free of distractions. I even did half of my visiting teaching. I am terrible at visiting teaching.
Fitness was my focus for the month, and I met half of my monthly workout goals. I worked out three times with Audrei and 4 times after work by myself. I can now touch my toes (after lots of stretching) and I made it through half of one workout from the 30-Day Shred before I gave up and decided to read something instead.
What saved my grade, given my less than ideal dedication to fitness, was my project for the month. I bought 44 #10 cans and canned half of my food storage. It was a time-intensive project and resulted in much spilled powdered milk. But I got it done.
In the end, I broke even with last month, barely squeaking by with a B-.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
House Update
Here's the update on the house. We have entered into contract with the builder, but we won't close until 30 days before completion. Construction starts on May 9th, and they anticipate being done by July. So we anticipate August.
Then, I will swoop in with my new skills learned from watching Home Depot do-it-yourself videos, and I will finish things off. Besides just custom painting our home, we will also replace the doors, put in crown moulding, replace some light fixtures and faucets, put in fans and a garage door opener, install faux wood blinds and arrange storage solutions.
The only downside is that I have to wait until August.
Then, I will swoop in with my new skills learned from watching Home Depot do-it-yourself videos, and I will finish things off. Besides just custom painting our home, we will also replace the doors, put in crown moulding, replace some light fixtures and faucets, put in fans and a garage door opener, install faux wood blinds and arrange storage solutions.
The only downside is that I have to wait until August.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Diet
My diet, along with most of my resolutions of late, went crashing right out the window after a brief but brilliant flare.
The diet did not go quietly. It went out with a wail of emotional anguish. In fact, that's what killed it. See, I have been controlling my mood with carefully balanced meals. And then I thought I would take a few weeks off and crash diet to lose weight. Bad idea. I went through two weeks of weak sobbing, and then I reinstituted my whole egg each morning. I was either suffering from inadequate B-12 or from low-self esteem as a result of telling myself every meal "Don't eat that, you fatty."
At any rate, I am better now. I lost only five pounds, instead of fifteen, but it'll do.
The diet did not go quietly. It went out with a wail of emotional anguish. In fact, that's what killed it. See, I have been controlling my mood with carefully balanced meals. And then I thought I would take a few weeks off and crash diet to lose weight. Bad idea. I went through two weeks of weak sobbing, and then I reinstituted my whole egg each morning. I was either suffering from inadequate B-12 or from low-self esteem as a result of telling myself every meal "Don't eat that, you fatty."
At any rate, I am better now. I lost only five pounds, instead of fifteen, but it'll do.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Dislike
I want to quit Facebook. I have wanted this for quite a while. Yet, I always get talked out of it by friends or myself. How else will I stay connected? That is the biggest argument, and a rather valid one, but I feel that I am staying connected at the cost of my freedom. Freedom to choose. Freedom from addiction and wasted time. Freedom of privacy. Freedom not to “friend” (friend is NOT A VERB!) every passing acquaintance who wants to read what I am expressing to my real Friends.
Facebook is a waste of my time. I open it constantly to see if I have updates. It is the only on-line connection Kevin and I have during the day, as he cannot access hotmail or gmail. This is no excuse for us. We both have phones. And work emails. And what happens when I stay home: am I going to be tied to my computer all day long in case he emails? No. This cannot be a reason to stay on Facebook.
I already know that my children will not be allowed to be on Facebook, or whatever equivalent is around then. I don’t care what they say, not everyone is using it. They are not using it. Maybe Kevin doesn’t share my antipathy toward digital, but if he thinks annual Zoo Days away from school will hurt our kids’ educations, then he will side with me against the evils of Facebook distractions. I cannot monitor whom my kids will “friend” or who else will be watching them. The Internet is a tool. It can be used for good and for bad, and my kids will not get that, because kids don’t. They also will think they are missing out, the same as they will when I don’t let them watch whatever the cool shows are. When they are older, they will realize they don’t care about missing that year’s equivalent of Grey’s Anatomy, and they will perhaps be grateful that I spared them high school girls high on Internet disinhibition.
Not only do evils result as externalities to Facebook use, but the network itself does some pretty shady things, more and more openly so, just showing their contempt for the threat to unplug from their users. I feel like my privacy is threatened in a distinctly dystopian-like manner. For the love of Mark Zuckerber, other websites I go to know who I am because of my account. If I “like” (okay, real verb this time) anything on that site, Facebook posts it to my wall for my contacts to see and discuss. Facebook sells personal information. They make it intentionally hard to quit. That last one alone drives my desire to leave. It’s a freaking cult telling me I can leave any time that I want to, while their thugs block the door and refuse to let me call my parents. It’s dodgy. They’re pushers.
But.
My husband is on Facebook. This next part is going to sound paranoid and desperate, but I assure you that I am coming at this with no feelings of fear. One in five couples divorced in America in the last year cited Facebook in some way as the cause of the divorce. The combination of anonymity and rosy retrospection, not to mention photoshop, leads to indiscreet reconnections with exes, while disinhibition allows flirting that would never go on in person. I do not think that if I am not on Facebook Kevin will hook up with his exes or flirt with women who "like" his comments. I'm just saying, in real non-digital life, there are things that you don't do, not because they are wrong, but because they are stupid: they remove internal and external barriers, lower defenses and invite mistakes. Like drinking alone with a buddy of the opposite sex.
Other friends of mine are on Facebook, as well as my siblings. And like my husband, they are funny and interesting, and I don't want to miss out on what they are saying. I want to hear the updates and see the pictures they are posting. I want to know what happened to my high school friends and the teachers who inspired me. And Facebook is the tool to doing all of that.
But the problem is that Facebook doesn't feel like a tool. It feels like a trap.
Facebook is a waste of my time. I open it constantly to see if I have updates. It is the only on-line connection Kevin and I have during the day, as he cannot access hotmail or gmail. This is no excuse for us. We both have phones. And work emails. And what happens when I stay home: am I going to be tied to my computer all day long in case he emails? No. This cannot be a reason to stay on Facebook.
I already know that my children will not be allowed to be on Facebook, or whatever equivalent is around then. I don’t care what they say, not everyone is using it. They are not using it. Maybe Kevin doesn’t share my antipathy toward digital, but if he thinks annual Zoo Days away from school will hurt our kids’ educations, then he will side with me against the evils of Facebook distractions. I cannot monitor whom my kids will “friend” or who else will be watching them. The Internet is a tool. It can be used for good and for bad, and my kids will not get that, because kids don’t. They also will think they are missing out, the same as they will when I don’t let them watch whatever the cool shows are. When they are older, they will realize they don’t care about missing that year’s equivalent of Grey’s Anatomy, and they will perhaps be grateful that I spared them high school girls high on Internet disinhibition.
Not only do evils result as externalities to Facebook use, but the network itself does some pretty shady things, more and more openly so, just showing their contempt for the threat to unplug from their users. I feel like my privacy is threatened in a distinctly dystopian-like manner. For the love of Mark Zuckerber, other websites I go to know who I am because of my account. If I “like” (okay, real verb this time) anything on that site, Facebook posts it to my wall for my contacts to see and discuss. Facebook sells personal information. They make it intentionally hard to quit. That last one alone drives my desire to leave. It’s a freaking cult telling me I can leave any time that I want to, while their thugs block the door and refuse to let me call my parents. It’s dodgy. They’re pushers.
But.
My husband is on Facebook. This next part is going to sound paranoid and desperate, but I assure you that I am coming at this with no feelings of fear. One in five couples divorced in America in the last year cited Facebook in some way as the cause of the divorce. The combination of anonymity and rosy retrospection, not to mention photoshop, leads to indiscreet reconnections with exes, while disinhibition allows flirting that would never go on in person. I do not think that if I am not on Facebook Kevin will hook up with his exes or flirt with women who "like" his comments. I'm just saying, in real non-digital life, there are things that you don't do, not because they are wrong, but because they are stupid: they remove internal and external barriers, lower defenses and invite mistakes. Like drinking alone with a buddy of the opposite sex.
Other friends of mine are on Facebook, as well as my siblings. And like my husband, they are funny and interesting, and I don't want to miss out on what they are saying. I want to hear the updates and see the pictures they are posting. I want to know what happened to my high school friends and the teachers who inspired me. And Facebook is the tool to doing all of that.
But the problem is that Facebook doesn't feel like a tool. It feels like a trap.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Bribes
It all began with Andrea plopping down in her chair behind me and asking, "How would you feel about not working a game day this fall."
"Sure! Which one?"
"No, I mean, how would you feel about not working any game days this fall?"
How would I feel? Is now a bad time to mention that I have plotted waiting until two weeks before football season begins to give my notice, willing to reconsider only on this very stipulation? Granted, it would have been a gamble. I am not looking to quit for real just yet, but I have honestly doubted my abilities to make it through another football season, despite my life plan and budget.
"What's the catch?"
"That you commit to work through football season."
...
"We are bribing you not to quit."
...
"We can't do without you."
And there it was. More than an acknowledgement of good work, more than gratitude. Begging. Negotiations. Bribes.
Kevin and I made a plan that included me working through this coming December. As I get paid better and have better benefits where I am than anywhere else I could find, I will be staying with my current company. I have it in the budget. The fuzzier end of that plan is when I will be quitting. Sometime around a year from now, I think. Unless I can't get Christmas off again, because then I will be giving my notice two weeks before Christmas. I am going to Illinois this year. I have given my word.
Anywho, I have made many plans in my head for negotiating a better situation, all of which negotiations involve my threatening to quit. I know they need me, and I had day dreamed about telling them so.
Turns out, they already knew it. Kris has heard that Kevin and I are looking at houses further North. She has heard the interns ask me when I plan to have a baby. And then she was denied her request to hire a new buyer. That leaves her doing two people's work for over an entire year. The one concession she was given was that she could hire "another Audrey," to supply the defunct department with some stable employee, as opposed to the intern it had last fall. Kris responded that an assistant doesn't do her any good if he/she is not as well-trained as Audrey. That's where the bribes come in. They need me. Desperately. If I quit, there are two people to run the entire show, with no time to train anyone. Kris can't help our department if she is running another. So, they need me to stay. They want a commitment. They want me to stay through football season to train and oversee the "other Audrey." Even better, if I would give them enough notice of when I choose to leave so that I can also train my replacement.
There’s a raise in it for me, as well as the game days off. I even made the offer of staying an entire year if I can be guaranteed the week off between Christmas and New Years. I think I should have made higher demands, because Andrea actually rubbed her hands together gleefully in imitation of Kris’s reception to the news.
Oh well. I’m content with my lot: weekends and holidays off, a hefty raise, and eternal gratitude from Kris. I’m okay with that.
"Sure! Which one?"
"No, I mean, how would you feel about not working any game days this fall?"
How would I feel? Is now a bad time to mention that I have plotted waiting until two weeks before football season begins to give my notice, willing to reconsider only on this very stipulation? Granted, it would have been a gamble. I am not looking to quit for real just yet, but I have honestly doubted my abilities to make it through another football season, despite my life plan and budget.
"What's the catch?"
"That you commit to work through football season."
...
"We are bribing you not to quit."
...
"We can't do without you."
And there it was. More than an acknowledgement of good work, more than gratitude. Begging. Negotiations. Bribes.
Kevin and I made a plan that included me working through this coming December. As I get paid better and have better benefits where I am than anywhere else I could find, I will be staying with my current company. I have it in the budget. The fuzzier end of that plan is when I will be quitting. Sometime around a year from now, I think. Unless I can't get Christmas off again, because then I will be giving my notice two weeks before Christmas. I am going to Illinois this year. I have given my word.
Anywho, I have made many plans in my head for negotiating a better situation, all of which negotiations involve my threatening to quit. I know they need me, and I had day dreamed about telling them so.
Turns out, they already knew it. Kris has heard that Kevin and I are looking at houses further North. She has heard the interns ask me when I plan to have a baby. And then she was denied her request to hire a new buyer. That leaves her doing two people's work for over an entire year. The one concession she was given was that she could hire "another Audrey," to supply the defunct department with some stable employee, as opposed to the intern it had last fall. Kris responded that an assistant doesn't do her any good if he/she is not as well-trained as Audrey. That's where the bribes come in. They need me. Desperately. If I quit, there are two people to run the entire show, with no time to train anyone. Kris can't help our department if she is running another. So, they need me to stay. They want a commitment. They want me to stay through football season to train and oversee the "other Audrey." Even better, if I would give them enough notice of when I choose to leave so that I can also train my replacement.
There’s a raise in it for me, as well as the game days off. I even made the offer of staying an entire year if I can be guaranteed the week off between Christmas and New Years. I think I should have made higher demands, because Andrea actually rubbed her hands together gleefully in imitation of Kris’s reception to the news.
Oh well. I’m content with my lot: weekends and holidays off, a hefty raise, and eternal gratitude from Kris. I’m okay with that.
Limit
I have officially hit my weight limit. No more vague promises of eating "better" and working out "more". Full diet and exercise regime goes into place right now. I will lose 15 pounds in 30 days. I have planned my new menu--which includes changing my whole egg each morning to egg white only, and eliminates all sugary foods--and my return to The 30-day Shred.
I will not be uncomfortable in my own body.
I will not be uncomfortable in my own body.
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