Is it totally insane to be homesick without having a home? Homesickness is just a feeling, a combination of loneliness, nostalgia, and directionlessness. Sometimes it is a complicated feeling resulting from failure, or loss, or from transience.
Maybe that is why I am homesick. I am experiencing all of that. I am afraid of failure. I live failure. I suck at my job, I am only attending school part-time, retaking classes that I inarguably failed.
I have lost my home. It was sold on Friday, emptied of all the little keepsakes that transformed it from a house into a place where memories were made, dreams dreamed and identities formed. My mom shipped out old books, paintings, couches and crayon drawings meant for the refrigerator.
I managed to keep from crying until I heard that not only do I not have a home anymore, but I have suffered a loss of limb, literally. My trees that I love so well, loved so well, have been cut down to make room for a pool. My home was not the walls, the carpet, the furniture, or the layout of the house. My home was the view from my bedroom window. The maple trees, the ivy, the niche of green that held promises of fertility and life. It was a shady spot, where the snow stayed the longest even as spring approached. This corner was home. The green-dappled light that flooded my room from the leaf-covered windows.
I am homesick for green light. There's no place like home.
Ever since our parents did complete 180's I've felt an unquenchable homesickness. I've felt like I've been orphaned. But this week I've been hit with it really hard, too.
ReplyDeleteI realized, though, the reason I haven't gone home, is that I would rather spend time with my siblings than my old house and my new mom.
When I'm with you, even in CA or UT, I feel like I'm home.
I love you!
I agree with N. Home is where my freaks be at. By freaks, of course I mean siblings. ;) I haven't felt like we had a home base for years, but I am much less upset about it. Dunno why.
ReplyDeleteLove you, you autistic little punk.