Job Panic

I have been experiencing some serious job panic for the last week.

Kris quit. She has been the VP of Merchandising for eight years now. I have reported to her, either directly or indirectly, my entire 3.75 years at the company. I have liked her and been afraid of her by turns. I have always respected her. When she left, I surprised myself by crying like a little girl. I miss her, as a person, and definitely as a leader in the company. The entire store came to a screeching halt when Kris walked out the door.

The only person who doesn't seem to think that her departure has doomed our company is Mr. Mitchell, the president, whose bad decisions and sexist attitude caused Kris's departure.

When she left, I began to panic. What is this place without Kris? She carried it. She did two people's jobs. She was the buffer between the narcissistic president and the rest of the store. She was the buffer between our offices and the incompetence of Russell Athletic. She fielded the nonsense that the rest of us just complained about. Now that buffer is gone.

I immediately began to apply for any job on Craigslist that would accept me without my name on my shirt. I haven't decided that I want to leave my company, and it wasn't as though any of those positions screamed my name. But I panicked. I needed to know that I had a life boat should this ship start to sink.

I learned some things. I have a good resume if I want an administrative assistant position. I have had three call backs for interviews. I also have a good resume to become a retail buyer. I have three years' experience in buying, and I worked for Kris, whose name means something in these circles. Alas that Austin is not a retail center. I could have a great job in Houston or Dallas, but in Austin I am left with options as a purchasing agent for construction companies, and that's not where I want to go.

I guess the biggest problem is that I don't want any of these jobs. I have no ambitions to work as a secretary or a supply purchaser. I also don't want to stay here, not forever. The Co-op was never the long term plan. It is a place holder, a way to pay bills until I begin my career. When I left school, I was either going to marry Kevin and become a full-time mother, or I was going to grad school to become a teacher so I could write in the summers. I work here until one of those happens.

But I don't know if I can keep working here. It is a good job. But just in the last two days, I have had enough ridiculousness from both Mr. Mitchell and Russell Athletic that I don't know how long it will remain a good job. And if it becomes a bad job, I don't want to replace it with another filler position, I want to start working on my plans. I want--in order of desire--to be a mother, to write, to go to graduate school, to teach.

The hitch is that motherhood is terribly unpredictable and not in my power. I may get a call back tomorrow or never. I don't know if I have the time to finish gradutate school, let alone recoup the investment. The same goes for teacher training. What I would love to do, if it were just me, is quit my job and write. I want to be a writer. That is my dream. But it's not just me. I have a husband and a house, and it wouldn't be fair for me to stay home and play all day.

And I guess that leaves the Co-op. So I really hope that it does not fall apart around here.