All I want, all I've ever wanted, is the perfect guy, a story-book romance and happily ever after. Is that so much to ask?Instead I have had relationships where either I was ignored or smothered. So far I have had nothing as important to me as my friends. The "perfect guys" have been short or demanding or workaholics or over-enthusiasts. My happily ever after is a series of awkward post-mortem interrogations; why, why, WHY? Because, because, BECAUSE!
I prefer non-relationships, for now I guess. Though, get me smitten and I'll definitely want commitment. I like individual dates, even though I can be really awkward. I think my awkwardness spawns from the fact that I always get distracted riding in cars at night, watching things as they pass, and suddenly conversation lags and everyone is uncomfortable. Yes, I take it back, dates can be foregone.
I guess I prefer hanging out, or double dates. I enjoy finding myself in situations where at least some of the people are predictable and I can be myself. I play well off of others. I have difficulties flirting when I am self-conscious, and I am self-conscious when I am the focus of the interactions.
I guess my perfect scenario would play out like so: Tall, dark and handsome man who loves to read, listen to me babble and drives a truck becomes my friend. He like to hang out. Maybe I am interested in his roommate at first, but one special day he comes up to me, sweeps me into his arms and says, "Audrey, will you hang out with me for no specific reason?" Swoon. One day we'll decide we want to hang out for the rest of time and eternity. Not so romantic? I beg to differ.
The romance comes in the details. What you don't see is me sitting on a couch reading a book when he comes over unannounced. Maybe he has a book with him or maybe he sees another one of mine on the floor and picks it up. We sit on the couch, him facing forward, me facing sideways with my legs over his lap, reading together. When I find something I want to share, I interrupt him and read it aloud. He'll listen with a condescendingly amused expression on his face. When I get to a sad part I will lean in and cry on his chest. Is that not romantic?
Try this one: I am hungry after work and decide to make some food. He drops by and the two of us dance awkwardly around one another as we make spaghetti together. I lift the spoon to his mouth for him to sample it. We fight over who washes the dishes. He wins. Afterward I check me email, not caring that I am ignoring him because he is always over. He is fine entertaining himself, mostly because he knows how obsessed I am with checking my email, voicemail, mail-mail, etc. If I seem subdued when I return to the room he knows it is because I am upset even though I deny it and he says, "come on Audrey. I know you." The only thing better than him knowing me is that I then tell him what's wrong and he doesn't think I'm weak and I don't think I'm weak either. But I do think he's strong. Oh so strong.
That is the relationship most people eventually get to over time. I seem to only get there with my friends. I faked it with K and writhed through it with J, but mostly Bryan and Ted have been that for me. Romantic relationships always start out with too many expectations in place for me to respond naturally. I need to fall in love with a friend. He has to let me be giddy about him before he pursues. Liking a person is never enough. Yeah, I like him, but... No it needs to be total stupid awkward giddiness, but only after the comfort has become routine. If the flare comes first the awkwardness stays even after the unknown passes. All of a sudden it's like, crap, what do I do now? As friends, you already know. You don't do anything. You hang out.
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